The death drive in me.

Some people see me and see my life and can't, for the life of them, figure out where my impulse to write comes from. This is actually worse once they actually read what I write... I will say it now: in my sci fi worlds there are no utopian societies and I mostly take a more misanthropic and dysthropic approach to everything I create. Whether it be painting, drawing, writing, sewing or any other sort of artistic activity I partake in (what? never met a Renaissance woman before?) it is always going to be placed in a horrible civilization where people are subjected to horrible fates in the name of a greater good.

Now, why do people become, oddly, surprised at this? Well I am more of a hippie, tofu eating, happy go lucky flower child (whom does dress in black almost every day) than a punk rock goddess... Weird isn't it? So where in the world does this... death impulse come from? Why is my writing filled with pain, suicide, horrible fates and over all man eating technology? Believe it or not my biggest inspiration is: my carefree surroundings.

As I have mentioned before, I live in Venezuela (Caracas, to be exact) and I will not get into politics and socialism and capitalism etc but I will say that I live in the most chaotic place you could imagine, ever. There is basically no law here and people seem to not only slowly become used to it...they are okay with it. The chaos,the order, the noise, the fast pace, the lack of law... it's in their nature now (and maybe it has always been). My sense of dysthropia comes from watching them. The Caracas' subway line is a dysthropic society all on it's own. I can't participate in this chaos willingly... I am much more death driven (Thanatos driven if you want to be post-modern about it) and they are are Eros driven... sexually driven, life driven. I don't understand it but they are. In fact I lack such an understanding for this chaos and how that can be okay that I feel like an alien here. I have routines (My boyfriend still has a hard time grasping this concept and finds it boring) and schedules (another thing people raise eyebrows at. "lets go out Mooni!" "uh.. can't I have to study from 3 to 5 today, sorry" "just do it later!" "but... I have a schedule to follow!") and it's that weirdness, in that dichotomy in which I find myself living every day of my life. The encounter of my Thanathos impulse in contrast of the Erotic impulse in those that surround me is where I find it...

It's strange, isn't it? Living in a place where dysthropia is an absent concept someone like me can find it hidden in every corner... And yet isn't that the beauty of a dysthropic society? You slowly fall into it for the mere reason that you can't see it or you ignore it... until it engulfs you and it's all you know. I believe it's societies like these (South American) that are most likely to fall into this trap... Why? not because I consider us stupid but because we're more... fighters but also complacent. As long as we have a meal safe we are "okay" and what can be more dangerous than that? Just as soon as we have a president we can have a Big Brother and we'd not even blink an eye. Hah, it could be worse... 

Oh yes, it could always be worse...

M.

The game plan

Alright, so now that I got the introductions out of the way I will I guess... Start blogging? Sure, why not. Basically I wanted to write a post mostly to remind myself what the game plan is. Firstly, I think I should mention that I am currently getting my M.A. (last semester and about to write my dissertation) in film studies.This of course pus a damper in my writing seeing as I have to focus on that to get the darn diploma I so want. Why do I want this diploma so badly? Because I have been a scholar my entire life. My mother always has to mention this story of when I was a baby (think 2-3) and someone gifted me a backpack. She says I would put that darn thing on every single day in the morning and watch as the kids got picked up or driven to school. I sat by my window contemplating them (I'd get descriptive about it but I honestly don't remember this happening) and she says I would say with a sigh "do I get to go to school yet?". She also always follows that up by mentioning that the first day of school she cried (me, her first daughter and eldest child was going to be gone from her sight for over an hour) and I told her not to cry and waved good bye. That I do remember.

Oh yes, I'd be lying if I said I didn't need this diploma to make some good money too. I am not that silly to think that I can simply drop my entire life and hide away in my room and write until I make it. I sort of wish I could but to be honest... I cannot. So, that cuts off my time to write but that has never stopped me before and it won't stop me now. Except ow I actually need to get a game plan going, some places to send my writing to hoping someone will find them good enough... Eventually I want to try my hand at some literary contests. I have my mind set on a particular one but I don't want to let all the cards in my hand show. Partly because I am scared that if I say it I'll never do it and partly because I want it to be a surprise. Only two people other than me know about it so... hopefully it'll happen. It won't be soon but it'll happen.

Now, I know this isn't the most incredible game plan ever written but it's something and hopefully it will pay off.

Oh! I forgot to mention... I do plan to sample some of my writing here, eventually. Sometimes I write little things that I just come up with and they'll be tagged accordingly. Usually these things don't make it anywhere in my stories but hey, why not, right?

Finally, I am working on following some blogs of authors and writers trying to get published if you're one of those blogs and would like for me to follow you please let me know!

M.