You know that feeling? That feeling you get when you know you should be getting something done and yet you're either too scared or stressed out to do it? I have that right now about everything in my life. School, writing, cooking, cleaning, washing... All of it needs to get done. No, not right now, not tomorrow, but it needs to get done and I'm stressed out because it needs to get done. I just have this... overwhelmed feeling.
At school I'm doing alright so far... no bad grades, no but not amazing grades. The thing is that the thesis is looming over me and I don't want to go there... I don't want to do it, I don't want to get it done. In part it's because I don't want to graduate and go out in the real world and work and part of it it's because 'm scared of not doing it correctly. I don't know it's just very overwhelming. The rest of school is fine... just... school, I guess.
House work is just not getting done. I lack motivation and then it piles up. I am a very anal person when I am motivated and will clean this place to an inch of it's life but right now? I will admit I've gone to bed with dirty plates in my sink... The horror. Oh and I left the house without making my bed almost every day last week... blah.
Writing... I've never been more scared to write in my life. This always happens the moment I start writing to show other people. I get scared and I start thinking I am not good enough. Ever since I started with the realization I want to write I absolutely stopped. It's the fear I know is reeling it's ugly head and telling me I won't make it, ever. I'm not good enough and I know the moment I submit my work and it doesn't get published I will be devastated. The thing is that this is it for me... My way out, my salvation, my passion and I can be told 'you suck' and wow isn't that scary? It is very scary for me. Oh and I've been so stressed with school and work and having no money and no time that writing is just not happening either. I wish I could sit here and write but then I feel like every time I do it means I am taking time from my other responsibilities. I'm just not able to function lately...
Well, this would be a sad entry if I didn't add a solution to my problems, huh? And I do have the solution it's just a question of following it every single day...
I need to rebuild my schedule. Yes... And I need my agenda functional again!
I need to make time for writing and make time for school and work and life and fun. I need to make time to get my life back on track. No more of this overwhelmed feeling and time to get organized (again).
Lets hope this works... I plan to submit my first story for publishing come January. I will do this. Even if the answer is a no I will submit a story for publishing no later than January 3rd. Wish me luck.